The NAMI walk and why I am posting at 3AM

First of all, the NAMI walk was yesterday morning. I had a blast! Ryan, not so much, but I am glad he was there.

Everybody and their dog was there, literally. If you didn't know what was going on, you would have thought it was a dog show. I forgot to bring Winston and was really sorry about it, he would have loved it. They even had free doggie treats at the end. Oh well, next year.

We ate breakfast burritos, watched the dogs "socialize" (aka sniff and bark) and shivered waiting to get started. The dogs really were the most entertaining part, they were so funny.

It was a 5K, which is just over 3 miles. I thought it would be no big deal, but I seem to suffer from the delusion that I am about 30 lbs thinner and in much better shape. But I made it! I really felt super good about myself for signing up, telling people about it, reaching my fund raising goal, actually getting up early and going to the thing and then walking the entire 5K. I can't wait for next year. :)

So, it is nearly 3 AM and I am still awake. I already took my anti-anxiety pill, which calmed me down enough to stop crying, but I am still leery of actually going to bed. Sleep and I have a very difficult relationship. I have been trying desperately to get on a normal sleep schedule. I didn't sleep well Friday night thanks to Aislin's assumption that our bed is actually her bed, and I had to get up at 7 (which for me is incredibly early) for the walk. I did not take a nap today. I did lie down at one point but the kids only let me do that for about 2 minutes. I didn't even get to close my eyes.

And yet, in spite of all of this that should have me falling asleep standing up, I am still awake and cannot bear the idea of lieing in bed with Ryan who can sleep with no problems whatsoever while I stare at my ceiling fan and try to think pleasant counting-sheep type thoughts instead of the anxious ones that vie for my attention. Some nights, it is a fairly easy battle and I can get to sleep in a little over an hour. Other times, like tonight, even with medication, it is better to just stop fighting and do something else.

I have tried several sleep medications (all over-the-counter). Your average Tylenol PM type stuff or the ones without any pain medication, just sleep medication, give me a groggy hangover for the entire next day and I also wake up all swollen. These are used only in extreme emergencies, like if I haven't been able to sleep for a couple days in a row. The all natural varieties work okay sometimes, but really all they do is make me calm, not sleepy. My anti-anxiety does the same as the all natural sleep aids, only much more effectively, but still not sleepiness. Yes, I probably should see a doctor and get a prescription, but we have no insurance and no money. So, I avoid any solution that points to medical professionals. Somedays I dream of a day when I have small but persistent pain somewhereorother and think nothing of going to the doctor to get it checked out. A magical time when we all have regular dentist visits and getting your eyes checked for some new glasses and contact lenses is routine.

Anyway, that is why I am writing endless nonsense in the wee hours of the morning. So, tomorrow I will be irritable and unpleasant, which considering I am a woman of raging hormones at this particular time is probably not any different than it would have been had I gotten sleep. It could also explain tonights insomnia.

Whatever the reason, there it is.

Tomorrow (or realistically speaking, in a day or two) I plan to post some pictures of my latest knitting projects. I am super excited about them.

Until then... :)