It's Inevitable

I have been trying to post for a few days now, but The Inevitable was in my way. So, today I decided to post anyway.

First, my latest project. (It's a gift so the pictures are vague)

I LOVE it. As soon as the kit came I cast it on and have been working on it non-stop ever since. I love every inch of it. It is colorful and fascinating. I learned a new technique and I just can't stop admiring it. I started it two days ago and I am nearly finished.

Since I haven't been working on anything but this lovely project, I don't have anything else knitterly to show you. So, to distract you while I talk about The Inevitable, here are some pictures of my adorable children.

(Aislin being super cute as always)

So, the inevitible is that in spite of my efforts to always make this blog upbeat and entertaining, I am derailed from this goal by the incessant anxiety and depression that I battle every day. For the past week I have been trying to stifle and ignore it so that I could write something chipper, but every time I try to do that it comes back with a vengeance.

I debated with Ryan as to whether or not I should write about it at all, since the original goal of this blog was merely to be entertaining and show off my knitting. But I decided that I just can't ignore it. It is a pervading influence in my life and to write this as if it isn't there is deceptive.

(Lizzie, after I told her to show her missing teeth. Apparently that means to give me a deer-in-the-headlights look)

Also, the entire reason I began knitting in the first place was to help with my emotional difficulties. Knitting calms me like nothing else can. When all else is going wrong, I can knit and feel that I have accomplished something, however small. Knitting makes me feel smart, it keeps me learning and some days it is the only reason I get up in the morning. On days when I am otherwise paralyzed by the unrealistic terror and the inexplicable sorrow, I can knit and feel that I have done something, even if it is just a few stitches.

So, this blog is not merely about knitting or my cute kids or whatever. But it is also an attempt to voice what it is like to live with these difficulties day after day. I hope it can be a form of therapy, raise awareness about the issue and maybe lessen the stigma. Not that I'm going to have a gloomy blog from now on, the chipper posts were completely genuine. I just can't always be chipper.

Seems a little silly to have such lofty goals when I have all of maybe 10 readers, but it's something. I feel it is better than being silent and pretending like it isn't there affecting nearly every aspect of my life. And, since there are millions of depression sufferers and millions of knitters, I am not alone.

So, today as I am incapacitated by this overwhelming fear of nothing I can put my finger on, I am going to pick up my fabulous project and accomplish something today. It might not be much, but it is all I have.

Well that and these sweet angels.