Ever since I was little, I wanted to be amazing at something. When I was a kid that translated in my mind to being the best, the expert, the number one head cheese person at whatever it was. I had (and still do) a lot of different areas where I thought I could accomplish this, and I did (and still do) have a tendency to dream big.
When I was little, my dream was to be a star on Broadway. I love to sing and I really love the passion in musicals. I feel like you can get more across in a musical song than just a few minutes on the radio singing yet another fluffy love song. There are amazing musicians who get a ton of emotion through their songs on the radio, but something about Broadway music has always spoken to me.
In high school I was also always good at writing. I wrote a few poems, that I still really like. I don't know if they are really any good as far as poetry goes, but I like what I was able to communicate through them. I discovered in my senior year through being mistakenly placed in a non-fiction AP English class, that analyzing The Scarlet Letter was totally not my thing and non-fiction made so much more sense. I read "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" and wrote an essay on it which my fabulous teacher read out loud to the class. I wasn't there that day, but definitely heard about it later. I discovered that when I had less restrictions and could just say what I really think, I can write it pretty well.
A few years ago I got frustrated with not being able to find clothing that was both flattering and covered my body completely. I don't like things that are too tight or too low cut or basically too revealing and I was tired of having to buy three shirts just to cover my cleavage and torso at the same time. So I had grand plans for learning to sew and make my own patterns. I thought I could be so amazing at it that I would open my own boutique. My husband even bought me an old text book on how to make your own patterns. But it confused me and that fell by the wayside.
Then I learned jewelry and took off with that. I love playing with the beads and the colors and mixing them in ways that make me feel happy. I opened an etsy shop, went to a craft show and even held a few in home shows to sell my stuff. I haven't done too badly at this, and I have received a lot of great feedback from those who love my stuff. But, I think it might be a little too...I dunno. It's not really artsy enough to make me feel like I am an amazing jewelry artist. I just string beads together.
Not long ago I took a few Psychology classes and planned to not just become a practicing Psychologist, but get a PhD and perhaps even do research. I love Psychology, it completely fascinates me. And I often look at situations with a sort of psychological observance; wondering what it is that made so-and-so choose this and not that. I am constantly saying things like, "Wouldn't it be interesting to study..." and even go on to think of how you would go about conducting the research. This is also on hold because of my own mental health issues that make it nearly impossible to be a reliable student. One minute, I might be able to write a good essay, and the next I can't even concentrate enough to read the chapter. Plus, we already have one student in the house. I think two would kill us.
Now, I also knit. I have designed and actually knit up one sweater for my mom. It is nice. I learned quite a bit from it and I think I could do it again. But I'm not really driven to design from scratch. There are so many gorgeous patterns out there. What I like to do is take an existing pattern and make it mine by changing the color or the sleeves or a little of the shape. But this is what a lot of knitters do, so I am not special there.
My mother always says that it is easiest to be happy in life when you enjoy simple things. And I think that is completely true and I do enjoy many simple things, like a nice breeze or a gorgeous color or a delicious meal. But I still have this something in me that really wants to do and be something big. And not that I have to be famous or even all that well known. I just want to do something that makes me feel I have been heard, even a little. It is this that drives me to blog and podcast. It is this that makes me want to write a book, even though I am terrified of trying to get it published. It is this that pushes me to dream of all the ways I could be an amazing and successful person.
If I step out of myself a bit and try to look at my life objectively, I have done many amazing things and been successful at many others. I taught myself to play the piano, make jewelry and knit. I am highly self-motivated when I want something. I do not wait for life to bring me things, I go out and get it if I can. I have lived through a horrible and debilitating depression, which at times was nothing short of a miracle. I have kept two small human beings alive for several years. I am still married and as far as I know my husband still likes me quite a bit. I am definitely not a loser.
So why do I still want more?
Maybe it is because I am still rather young and I still sometimes start sentences with "When I grow up...".
Maybe it is because I have spent most of my life living for others and not myself so I have a hunger to do something that is completely mine. To create something that has nothing to do with anyone else and is all my creation. And I want that something to be successful, to be seen and heard and enjoyed by others.
Maybe it is nothing deep and philosophical at all and I just want people to say nice things about me.
I am very conflicted as to how to deal with this. On the one hand there is a voice in my head telling me to just be satisfied with being me and living this life and not to go looking for more. On the other hand, I am not sure this feeling will ever go away unless I achieve what I want.
What do I do?
